What is my net worth?

I went to Menara UAC today to collect a couple of prizes I won recently. I’ve never been there and requested for Darling to accompany me but as we arrived, he has no where to park the car. He told me to go on my own and the first thing that I blurted out was, “But I don’t know where the place is!”

Darling rolled his eyes and said, “It’s at Level 5. Go to the lift and PRESS 5!”

I went in alone, suddenly feeling so lost. I remembered decades ago I can go to any corporate building, as confident as I am for a job interview. And when I was doing Sales last time I can even go from buildings to buildings trying to close some deals day in day out.

But today, I stood there. Not moving, trying to figure out where the elevator is. It must be straight ahead I thought and so I walked some more. I saw the elevator ajar. I went straight in. I pressed 5 and waited for it to close. The lady behind me got irritated and stepped in front hastily to hold the CLOSE button. Okay, so I’ve not used the elevator for so long. I am not aware that you can’t wait a couple of seconds longer for it to close on its own >_<

I exited at Level 5. Saw the company I was looking for and showed the receptionist the email I received. I did not even open my mouth to speak. I let the receptionist read almost the entire email just to figure out why I was there. So happenned that the person-in-charge was just next to me that moment and invited me to sit down while she go retrieve my prizes.

She came back with my prizes and talked a little bit. She recognized me as Submerryn as the contest is Facebook based and somehow blog related. I see all these corporate ladies and suddenly flashes of my yesteryears played in my head. It overwhelms me.

I used to be that lady who always strive for the best. I started work during the last quarter of my college years, juggling studies and work at the same time and has never been jobless for more than a week throughout my working history until I quit to be a full-time mom when I delivered Ethan.

Look at me now. What happened to that once feisty me? Where has all that fire gone to?

I see all these successful corporate women and I envy them. I don’t look forward to month end, or beginning of the month or even middle of the month as to me, they are all the same. Back when I was working, month end is the best as that only means salary time. Now… it’s all the same, every day of the month.

I question myself, “what is my net worth right now?”

I see all these corporate women making decisions of their own, being independent and I wonder, “what happened to me?”

Today, my internet connection was down. I was left all alone at home while Ethan went for his Mandarin class. I found myself LOST not knowing what to do. I am so used to being in front of the PC either blogging or doing something related that today I felt so down not being able to complete my ‘job’.

I want to be powerful, I want to be somebody in the corporate world again but reality is I gave all that up the day I delivered Ethan. I’m a full-time mom now and seeing him grow is what drives me to do better each day…

But deep down, I miss my old self; the independent me… Unconsciously I’ve turned into a clingy wife, a boring mother…

And in the middle of the color cartoon I started to cry….

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About the Author: Merryn Tan

30 Comments + Add Comment

  • //

    Merryn, I don’t know what to say but I just want to let you know don’t looked back esp on the decision that you made few years back. Indeed, you have to look forward.

    • //

      Thanx, I know I have to look forward. It’s just one of those days u know…

  • //

    don’t look back and compare, compare is always the most stupid thing one ever does.. you have to see yourself in a different angle because you are now playing a different role already.. you don’t judge how melodious a dog can meows right?? just stay with your current self, think the good side of bringing up Ethan and this is a whole lot of effort many corporate women cannot have done!! *pat shoulder*

    • //

      Thanx for your encouragement SK. Appreciate it.

  • //

    but u are an awesome blogger right now !!! not everyone can be a good blogger like u right ? :P

    • //

      Yup, you’re one of the prominent bloggers Merryn!
      Keep it up, when I grow up – I wanna be just like you! :D

      • //

        Wow… BOTH Kens commenting here. Thank you for exaggerating you guys :P

  • //

    aawwww… u r who u r now for Ethan’s sake, and as far as I know u r doing great :)

    • //

      ^_^ Thank you Simon

  • //

    Agree with Ken!! You are awesome mum n blogger too!!

    Dont compare…tak habis habis kalau u compare ya!!

    Cheers up!!

    • //

      What to do… grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side :)

  • //

    To Ethan, you’re worth your weight in gold. Hey! Wait a minute! You’re so small and thin…not worth much hor? Muahahahahaha!!!!!

    • //

      >_< Sobs! Thanx for cheering me up Arthur :)

  • //

    There’s always a time to start a new hobby and get to know new people.
    Perhaps now is the time?

    How much have you deposited in your “marriage bank”? One day Ethan will grow up and have his own family, this “marriage bank” will probably determine your next net worth..


    Time to get your butt out and start driving your car!

    • //

      I don’t get it, what’s a marriage bank?

      Pls.. if I drive I’ll be ranting my driving stress here instead, which is worse!!!

  • //

    No doubt career women are independent. I have no problem going anywhere myself, and often reject the ride offered by my husband. But, do you know I also very envy those women who can babysit their own kids full time? So, just being happy and listen to your heart. You have no salary, but you have spent quality moments with your kid, that is priceless.

    • //

      Thanx Sheoh Yan,

      It’s just one of those days when the devil overcomes the angel in my head…

  • //

    Merryn, you are worth a million bucks. No doubt. Cheer up !

    • //

      Aww Shah, thanx dude! That certainly made my day! :)

  • //

    I think you need to go out more often without Darling around. First must pick up driving again..it will boost your confidence. I think you are independent and awesome coz you have your own studio and a famous blogger. Me?… I’m really THAT boring housewife.

    • //

      I’m a DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE. I look forward to that show every Tuesday… sigh… apa lah nak jadi..

  • //

    u kidding me right? a clingy wife, a boring mother…? you are far from that my dear… don’t be crazy, ur so much cooler than a lot of mothers OK :)

    • //

      yeah… i forgot to add ‘a crazy blogger’? hehe… u know what i meant lah.. i SIEN lah!!!!! tolong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • //

    Hi! Reading your post here reflects my own feelings too. Being SAHM for two years now, the journey is up and down. I do miss my corporate life but I don’t want to go back to 9-5 job. Sometimes can get dilemma too. Hehe. It’s hard to make a stand but even harder to persist with the stand. There is no perfect situation. We’ll find a balance somewhere. Cheers!

    • //

      Grass is always greener on the other side. Try as I might, it still seems greener! >_<

  • //

    Dear, just be yourself, not many people can do what u r doing now, accompany ur kid every moment watching him grow, I mean EVERY MOMENT!

  • //

    dear M, being a mom is one of the toughest job and is worth more than you can ever imagine. It takes courage to do what you do for cutey Ethan! yes.. its one of those days but keep your chin up as when you look back later on.. you will be glad that you are always there for your family and progress with them to create beautiful precious memories! =) Hugs…

  • //

    Hi Meryn, thanks for stopping by my blog earlier. You have a very lovely blog here. On the other hand, you should be proud of yourself cause it’s never easy to be a full-time stay at home mother and not many women can do that too. We are actually making a big sacrifice here for our family. My children are already 18 & 15. At the beginning, I was like you thinking so much about going back to the corporate world but the first thing I knew I am going to miss my kids dearly and I don’t want that. Besides, hubby didn’t even want me to be away. SO…be it! I am still a proud mom. Eventhough I don’t look as pretty and sexy as before but I am so PROUD of myself. haha…. And you should too! Hope to hear from you more often.

  • //

    Being a FTWM is the highest salaried job….

  • //

    Hi. I have been a quiet follower of this blog of yours all these while. Chin up, and I personally think that there is no job on earth which is as noble what you are doing now, an all-round full-time momma :) Please keep up with the writing momentum as your cyber home have always inspired me in a way or two. :D

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MeHome is where MY heart is.
I am a mother to two boys; Ethan and Ayden and a wife to Darling William. I'm a stay at home mum who blogs to break the monotony of life and to avoid feeling jaded. Would love to get to know all the Super Mommies and Daddies and Babies or Singles out there with the hope that we can learn more from each other. Most of all, I am a happy person, and I hope YOU are too.

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