I held him in the air threatening to throw him away…

It’s dangerous to love a person too much as the moment you feel a tinge of rejection, it’ll crush you into pieces.. -Merryn-
Ethan and I did not breathe down each other’s nose throughout our Chinese New Year break. He was occupied with his cousins and me, with mine. Darling took care of Ethan throughout the entire break.
What happened was…
It was the second day of CNY and Ethan was engrossed in playing with his cousin. It was cute but he refused to stop playing to pee, drink or eat. I had to force him to take a break to go pee as I did not want him to wet his pants as a result of holding on too long. That happened in Seremban! Then he refused to drink because he knew drinking will make him pee even more! 
The bomb came when I tried to make him eat. He blurted, “Don’t bother me-lah. Go away!” I felt a storm brewing within me and before I knew it, I snapped! I held him in the air threatening to throw him away if he still refused to eat, drink or pee! I only came to my senses when I saw the horrified faces of both my parents and then William. They came rushing out as they heard me yelling.
I was baffled. What had just happened? I put Ethan down and ran into my room, crying..
Moments later William came in with Ethan. Ethan slowly crawled up the bed and came to hug me. I hugged him back, still in tears. He said he needed milk so I made his milk and lay down with him as he gulped his milk in an instant. Lying there, just both of us, he said that he wants to eat with me. I was surprised and asked him if he meant it. He nodded. I walked out of the room with him, held his hand and went to the kitchen to get some rice and vege.
My mom was in the kitchen. I apologised for my outburst earlier. She said both she and my Dad thought that Ethan fell from the stairs or something; I explained and apologised again. Felt like an ass for my earlier action. 
I went to the living room to feed Ethan and he finished the entire bowl of rice! Mind you he had just drank his milk! I don’t know if empathy or what made him eat but what I know was that I was afraid of what had just happened…
Yesterday Darling, Ethan and I returned home to PJ. If you’ve been following my tweets and FB posts, you’d know that I’ve been utilising a lot of sad emoticons lately. William asked me what was wrong as he saw the difference in me. I told him I don’t know, which was the whole truth.

Darling was nice. He offered to bring us to the movies hoping it will cheer me up but I refused as I wasn’t sure what the heck was bothering me. Just now, before Darling finally left for work around 3pm, Ethan pleaded, “Daddy, stay with me”

My heart sank! Immediately I knew what was bugging me. I told William, “Both Ethan and I are afraid to be left alone with each other!” Darling hugged Ethan and explained that he needed to work. He told Ethan to be good, to stay with me and  not to annoy me.
I promised Ethan I won’t switch on the PC, that I’ll spend time with him. We agreed not to fight with each other. I bathed him and we laughed ourselves silly playing with suds. 
He is now napping. Looking at him I wondered, what happened.. to ME? I then realised that I’ve taken him for granted.
I expected Ethan to obey every single word I say but along the way forgets that he’s human too, with his own feelings and emotions. I overlooked the fact that he’s a big boy now and he’ll want to do things his way, not mine. Things sure gonna get tougher from now on but we’ll work on it. We’ll work our way to find a mutual point.. somewhere in the middle. Love will lead us the way.
All he wanted was to have fun… for it’s not always he has companion to play with..
And I have to learn to let go and not be a control freak…

About the Author: Merryn Tan

21 Comments + Add Comment

  • //

    This is bad. Are you under some kind of stress or depression – a walking time bomb about to explode anytime? If there are issues you need to settle, settle them – you cannot let it go on like this. Otherwise, this may not be the first and the last time…

  • //

    *hugs*I feel for you, babe. Since the past week, I have been bursting at the slightest mistake Maine makes and felt really bad immediately. But after reading your post, I know what I should do. ;) Thank you for sharing this!

  • //

    i was shocked too when start reading it, but glad nothing bad happened. hoping u're okay yea, i believe u n ethan both love each other very much, as in very very much.

  • //

    spent my time with u n ur family oso can see how close u guys are. ethan need u,so u r. :) Ethan know how to pujuk u summore, make joke for u summore. eeeee mke miss u guys more dy. LOL!

  • //

    Relax la. Sometimes kids are like that, they are no longer babies. You need to have a lot of patience in them.

  • //

    Sometimes kids do get carried away and will totally forget about themselves when they have great companies with them. Maybe you are upset thinking he does not listen and care for you? Its very normal moms are always concern about their young ones going hungry or thirsty.

  • //

    STP is right.. u r under some kind of pressure? Maybe go for a short holiday.. away from the pc.. gosh, i got to tell that to myself too!

  • //

    those r phases of life..I experienced that kind of feeling before.

  • //

    I can't say I understand what you're going through since I'm not a mother yet, but I do admit I faced situations where I regret after an unintended outburst. But it happens, it does. So don't be too harsh on yourself.. the most important thing is that both you and Ethan learn more about each other now, a better understanding. And that's good! :)

  • //

    This happened everytime when my older 4 yo has someone to play with…. especially CNY. I have learnt to loosen a bit, and let her has all the fun she can. But still happened one time on the first day of CNY, she refused to eat and ignored me, and kept on playing…. So when my blood reach its boiling point, I just carried her straight into our room, and gave her a good good lesson, with a very good outcome afterwards…. ;-) I prefer not to scold or let my emotion out when so many relatives or guest around…

  • //

    I wanted to write a long comment. but then i decided not to since the event have passed. for whatever is it, u must seize the day. Ethan and u cannot go back in time. so give the best to ethan. he wants ur attention n not ur attention else where :p

  • //

    First of all, Gong Xi Fatt Cai to you Merryn. Wishing you happy always yeah:-) I think is normal sometimes we will get emotional when we are dealing with kids which they seems do not understand our frustration. For me, is ok to shed our tears when we are unable to control our emotions. Or perhaps, you can walked away the scene to get some "fresh air" and later only come back to Ethan. Hope you are fine now.

  • //

    It is like that! Kids only think of fun,fun and fun and poor mummy, concern about their meal, pee, poo and naps. :p

  • //

    I do that very often too.. the "threatening to throw her away" part but tak larat lift her up in the air only (cos she's too heavy!) The other kids don't eat as well? Chloe is also like that… very preoccupied when it comes to playing with her cousins but they always eat and drink together (and even race to finish their meals) so it's still ok for me.

  • //

    Oh you are scary!! Just kidding haha!!

  • //

    Such sudden outbursts do happen to everyone and sometimes we ourselves do not know why. Usually it happens when we are under some kind of stress. It's important to be aware of yourself and your feelings every moment and learn to take things easy : )

  • //

    A sudden snap of the temper, sis!dont think too much of it, kids will forget soon. ok?

  • //

    Hmm…tell you something darling, that day when QuaChee and I went to visit you during CNY, I can sense you were not quite yourself. Something was different about you. Perhaps it was due to the fact that you were kinda upset about some things which we might not understand or know about.The issue with Ethan is probably the result of the accumulation or peak of your distress and unhappiness which Ethan coincidently triggered and aggravated it.However, I'm glad you came to your senses and snapped out of it. Ethan is young, he is not able to think for himself yet that's why he has and needs you more than you can ever imagine.Bringing up and educating a child isn't easy, but it comes with its own rewards and joys. ;) Take the time to rekindle back the bond that once exist between the two of you. Patience is the key. :)Ethan and you will forget the matter through time. Let bygones be bygones and start anew, ya? The both of you and William will make a happy and adorable couple together~ ;)All the best! If you need any help, don't feel shy to ask or talk about it, ya? We're always here for you~ ;)Do cheer up and take care, darling~ *Hugs* :)

  • //

    P/s: Who says I only comment elaborately in QuaChee's blog? Look at the evidence above! Hehe… xP

  • //

    i think there must be things accummulating and then you are under certain kind of stress that you sort of can't control yourself.. hope after this outburst you will take things easy, and will be totally fine again.. :)

  • //

    PMS, hormones, women, biasa-lah! proly u had lots of stuf on ur mind? so whatever ethan did, triggered the anger lor… happens to me, don't feel bad woman, why u nver shouted at ethan before ah?

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MeHome is where MY heart is.
I am a mother to two boys; Ethan and Ayden and a wife to Darling William. I'm a stay at home mum who blogs to break the monotony of life and to avoid feeling jaded. Would love to get to know all the Super Mommies and Daddies and Babies or Singles out there with the hope that we can learn more from each other. Most of all, I am a happy person, and I hope YOU are too.

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