Am I ready to be a mother?

That is the question most women have in their mind before or soon after finding out that they are pregnant.

I am the youngest in my family and never liked kids. However, a year into my marriage I strongly believe I was ready to be a mother. My definition of being a mother is getting pregnant, giving birth to the baby and handing it over to my parents who lives in another state. I promise I’ll visit every week if not every other week.

Life was too good to let go then. I had a job and am independent in my own way. Darling and I love travelling and we traveled overseas at least once annually. I love hanging out with my friends and party till late at night. There is no way I would give that all up just to stay at home with a baby. No way! Just the thought of it scares the heck out of me.

Then I really got pregnant. I was still very determined not to give up my day job (and life) and planned with my parents if they’d agree to care for my baby. Thankfully, they were ever so happy to have another grandchild to care for at home. Darling and I sang to our baby, showered it with so much love and played with it when it happily kicked my tummy.

And then the baby was born. A crying tiny little boy right in front of me. Suddenly, this little bubble that I’ve lived in popped. This is REAL. The little boy in my arms is real! I am now a mother…

My mom was with me during the first month and took care of baby and my confinement needs. When the second month was approaching, I was faced with a dilemma. The original plan was to hand my baby over to my parents and resume working but Darling is now reluctant to part with his baby. He suggested for me to leave my job and be a stay at home mother. I disagreed as I don’t trust I can handle it but he was adamant and I had to break the news to my parents. They went back hometown and I was left alone, with a baby in my arms.

It was rough. I was tired. Fatigue drove me up the wall. I was angry. All the baby does is poop and cry and it was turning me insane. My ex-colleagues who visited me often during my confinement month stopped visiting after some time as we drifted apart. The only adult I see and spoke to day in day out is Darling and that itself angered me more. I was annoyed with him for making this decision. I was flaming mad at him for taking my life away. That was when I suffered depression.

I couldn’t bare to look at the baby without feeling resentful. Darling is suddenly my enemy. I hated my life and everything that revolves around it. I see everything in negativity. Nothing is right anymore. I was so not ready to be a mother…

But that is all behind me now. I survived depression and came back stronger. People asked me how I climbed out of that dark abyss. My answer is simply Darling. He was patient with me though I was driving him up the wall.

He came home tired from work to a messy home but immediately took the baby away from me so I can have some time on my own. He relented each time I picked a fight. He stayed home on the days I was most depressed and failed to function. He spoke to me. Every night he’ll talk to me, bringing the positive out of every negativity in my life. He made me see my life in a different light.

He taught me to differentiate the WANTS and NEEDS of my life. A need is something that you have to have. A want is something you would like to have.

I was depressed and angry mainly because I was not getting what I thought I needed in life. I was confused between my wants and my needs. I thought I needed freedom. I thought I wasn’t treated fairly because I no longer have friends as they are all working and I felt left out. I wanted to still travel to exotic countries but I won’t be able to do that with a baby in hand.

Actually all those are just excuses as the real reason behind my darkness was because I refused to change. I refused to change my lifestyle to work around a baby. I refused to change my priority to suit that little one. Darling’s determination finally made me see all that. My life started to flourish once I’ve made up my mind that this baby is here to stay and it’s up to me to make it work.

I changed my routine to synchronize with the little boy. I put my ‘wants’ behind me. I made new friends that shares the same wavelength with me. I no longer resented everything around me.

It has been five years since I took that plunge to stay at home. If you ask me do I have any regrets I’ll say I regretted that first few months but if you asked Darling, he’ll just say those first few months are what makes us ‘US’ today.

See the difference? I need to learn to see things positively and only then everything will be alright.

Am I ready to be a mother now? Are you kidding me? I can’t go anywhere without my little shadow now. See how my life have changed? I’m not complaining because I’m loving every single moment of it :D

21 Comments + Add Comment

  • //

    Not easy , I have the same feeling too. i guess when time comes everything will fall in place if the DARLING is doing the right thing. HAHHA

    Anyway Merryn I salute you for being a full time mother, wife and blogger, you put your wants behind Ethan and that is something not easy to do. But seeing Ethan growing each day makes it all worth it right?

    So time to get another baby girl , go go “Darling” makes another small sub merryn :P

  • //

    Yeah.. Actually, I know you after you were so much into Ethan, so, I couldn’t believe this story at first.. Really?? This Merryn?? wow.. Ethan!! u r so lucky.. Mum that hebat, Dad that Great!! ^_^.v..

  • //

    Parenting itself is not an easy job, but you are doing it well. Well done my friend, and Ethan is luck y to have you as his mummy!

  • //

    glad that you overcome your depress moment last time! you are always a cheerful person now! keep it up!

  • //

    Yes, it’s a whole lot of giving….a whole lot of sacrifices and doing without but in years to come, you will see that these are the best years of your life and you would not do anything to change all that!

  • //

    I guess in life, we would never know that we are ready until things really happened to us, and the reason why many suffers depression is just like what you said, the unwillingness to change.

    you are truly a role model to others. you know your priority and you stand firm with it :)

  • //

    wow mom, i actually read thru the whole passage with hell lots of words!
    and i have to say… you are a good mum! and your darling is really good!
    Those thing he taught u and all the patience, caring and even being understanding!
    Really wow! for me, i might just give up or what if my wife is like that. =S
    and not many parents willing to sacrifice their time for their kids! especially nowadays! sigh!

    anyhow, keep up the good work!
    I shall learn from you when i have my own family! =D
    and yeah! Differentiate the wants and needs!
    and also.. “see things positively and only then everything will be alright!”

  • //

    Love your post. Motherhood has indeed taught us a lot of things and makes us stronger too. You are doing very well and you have raised a wonderful kid. I am sure Ethan will agreed with me that you are a super MOM!

  • //

    I understand very well.. when I had my first child, I also cried when we were both discharged from hospital.. No experience and no one to help… the very next day, my husband brought home a solution, a confinement lady… ever since then, raising babies is small problem.. hahaha…

  • //

    As a parent we sacrifice some part from here but gain another part from there. You are lucky to have a caring and loving husband. A big applause to you as you really taking care and raise Ethan well.

  • //

    I love your entry! Not many mothers change their minds like you and your Darling. I can never understand why people claim how good they are as mothers when they are just weekend parents, can go on long luxurious breaks by leaving their kid with “reliable” childcare, getting their maids to change soiled diapers and making milk in the middle of the night and still brag about being a perfect mother. I guess you probably qualify as Irene Low’s definition of Psychomum! I am still one step behind as I can never leave my job behind…

  • //

    Thanks for sharing! That was a touching and real post.

  • //

    I’m so happy for you Merryn!!
    Remember to cherish your darling and cook more tasty food for him ok? :D

  • //

    I guess women really have to find the correct guy to get married to huh. =) I still don’t know if I would quit my job for a baby though, coz my mom had 3 of us and still went to work till now. Juggling~

  • //

    So glad for you with the help of Darling you began to see the light in want vz need.

  • //

    I didn’t know that you had such a rough beginning. You coped really well… and have successfully raised a very good and intelligent boy! All your hard work and sacrifices have certainly paid off :)

  • //

    Woww hmmm after read through all the words in your post, I felt touched for what your darling did for you… And you are so amazing for taking care Ethan and your family with your true love as I can feel the love through your post… Hmmm ~ Your post also make me thinking of what happen to me if I’m ready to be a mother or not after my married time…. =}

  • //

    My hubby is as patient as William, he can tahan my bad temper all these while T_T

  • //

    Your darling is so matured to guide you on wants and needs. Many still don’t know about the differences of want and need.

    Glad to know you are now having joy, love and care in one happy family.

    Happy weekend to you , Merryn.

  • //

    The most important thing in raising a healthy happy child, is the parents must always think positive and be optimistic.

    Your Darling is such an understanding and supportive spouse, to be with you throughout your parenthood. Enjoyed reading this entry :)

  • //

    You are one fantastic young mother with a BIG MUMMY’s HEART. Well done dear!!

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MeHome is where MY heart is.
I am a mother to two boys; Ethan and Ayden and a wife to Darling William. I'm a stay at home mum who blogs to break the monotony of life and to avoid feeling jaded. Would love to get to know all the Super Mommies and Daddies and Babies or Singles out there with the hope that we can learn more from each other. Most of all, I am a happy person, and I hope YOU are too.

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